Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
