if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
