All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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