you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
