I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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