in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
why do cheetos always look like penises
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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