Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
