I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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