I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
