so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
