I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
