My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
