Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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