I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
