I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
