My room smells like vodka and shame
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
