His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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