If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
