just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize