I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
