Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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