if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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