we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
