you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
