I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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