Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
no you cant smoke seaweed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize