Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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