theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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