I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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