we're chasing vodka with high fives
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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