If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
