I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
