Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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