I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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