just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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