You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
