Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
