woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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