fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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