On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
