I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she smelled like a LAN party
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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