Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
