drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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