You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
