I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
