if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
