I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
