Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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