need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
