you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
