I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
