So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
