Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
