Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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