I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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