No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
