also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
