Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he was CRYING into my vagina
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
