why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
